Breastfeeding and Recovery

We found out that Peyton is lactose intolerant just like Claire around 5 days old. I was so thrilled this time that Peyton was actually able to latch without a nipple shield. She was a great nurser and I was loving the bonding time. I went completely off dairy the day I had her in anticipation of her being lactose intolerant. While I was still producing colostrum she seemed to handle breastfeeding just fine. As soon as my milk came in though she started having diarrhea 10-15 minutes right after every feeding. I kept at it for a few days to see if anything would change and when it didn't, we decided to try her on Similac Sensitive formula for a day while I kept pumping, just in case. It was just like Claire. Instantly, her tummy settled down, she had no more diarrhea, and she was so content. 

I kept pumping until her first doctor's appointment, not wanting to give up on breastfeeding quite yet. We discussed our options with him and told him all of her symptoms. He agreed with us, that the formula was the way to go, informing us that with her being so little and having so much diarrhea it would not be wise to continue breastfeeding. He further explained that he thinks the reason my babies can't handle my breast milk is because I have the lactose enzyme already in my milk. My milk comes out super thick and creamy and since we know for a fact that Claire is lactose intolerant still and we know that I was not ingesting any dairy products, that can be the only explanation. I'll admit I cried for a few days about having to give it up. It was much harder to give up breastfeeding this time than it was with Claire. With Claire we had a hard time latching, hard time getting my milk to come in, and we had a month with a screaming baby and no way to soothe her. It was easy and relieving to give it up. But this time my milk came in so fast and I had a lot. On day one I was able to pump 2-3 ounces on each side every 2 hours. Peyton was latching and everything was going so much smoother, giving me a totally different outlook on breastfeeding all together. 

It didn't help that people tend to be a little judgmental when they see you feeding a newborn formula. I got a lot of dirty looks when I mixed one up for Peyton in the waiting room at my doctor's appointment. I remembered getting those looks when I would feed Claire and so for the most part I just brushed it off. They didn't know the circumstances, let them judge if they want. It also didn't help that people would make comments like, "How did you get so lucky to be off the hook again?" I know that they probably didn't mean for it to be hurtful but it's comments like this that cut through me like a knife. I didn't feel like I was getting off the hook. I wasn't happy about having to give it up. I was in a lot of pain emotionally and physically. My breasts were literally rock hard, red, and they throbbed 24/7. I felt guilty that my milk instead of being good for my babies, was the one thing that hurt them the most. I wanted so badly to be able to provide for Peyton this time. 

I posted a status on Facebook about how Peyton was lactose intolerant and how bad I was hurting. I got so many judgmental private messages that day from mom's who have children with lactose intolerance. So many of them, instead of offering support, judged me for giving up on breastfeeding. For them, they were able to breastfeed as long as they ate dairy free. For them and their babies, it worked. As I read each message, hot tears ran down my face. I felt ashamed and hurt that it didn't work for me. A little bit of anger was mixed in there as well. I was frustrated that they thought I would just give up without trying every solution. I didn't feel like I owed them an explanation but I returned each message explaining our experience with Claire and the pediatricians diagnoses for Peyton. Some never messaged me back, others apologized. But bottom line was that I was doing what was best for my baby and if they couldn't see that then that was their problem.

Others keep asking if I will always try breastfeeding first. The answer is YES! I will always give it a try because there is always a chance that one of my babies will not be lactose intolerant. And if all of them end up with the same diagnoses, then they will at least had the chance to get the nutrients from my colostrum. To me, that is the most important thing. My pediatrician also explained, that it is always beneficial to breastfeed your baby even if it's just for a day. It's good for them to breastfeed just once rather than not at all.

She's almost one month old now and is still doing great on the formula! She eats all of the time! We took her in for her two week appointment and she weighed in at 9 lbs 4 oz! She's a little chunkster. She out grew her newborn clothes shortly after turning 2 weeks old and is steadily filling out her 0-3 month clothing. I kiss on her little chubby body all the time. Especially those cheeks! They're too chubby to resist!

Claire LOVES  to help me feed Peyton. She's a pretty great big sister!

Definition of milk drunk right here! Love how happy and content she looks after a feeding.

I mentioned in my last post that I was given some news in my postpartum appointment. I kind of saw it coming, especially after delivering Peyton. It was something that weighed on me after both my delivery's and we finally received some kind of answers. I guess my midwife had the same feelings that I did because at the end of my appointment she said she would like to discuss what she thought was happening with my placenta's. With Claire my placenta didn't want to come out on it's own. I was able to deliver part of it on my own and my midwife retrieved the other torn pieces with her hand. There was literally nothing left of my placenta that time. It was completely shredded. No one seemed concerned about it though, until I mentioned it during my delivery with Peyton. It was at that point in time that we had waited over an hour for my placenta to deliver its self. My midwife during this delivery looked really concerned when she received that bit of information but thankfully she was able to get it out, and it was all in one piece. 

During my appointment she explained that this would probably be a common theme in any other deliveries that I have, should we choose to get pregnant again. She explained that usually in this type of situation the delivery of the placenta will get worse and worse with each pregnancy. My placentas for some reason keep adhering too tightly to my uterus. She said it could be the shape of my uterus that is the problem or it could be that my placentas for whatever reason create their own sticky spots. The concern with this is that I could bleed out, and she mentioned at that time that I did lose more blood than is normal. She said it is likely with my next pregnancy, I will have to have a d&c procedure if my placenta sticks again. There is a chance that I could have a totally normal placenta delivery. There is a chance that it will never happen again. But the odds are that it will happen again. Worst case scenario, I could end up with an emergency hysterectomy. She mentioned that she did not wish to scare us out of having more children. She simply wanted us to be aware of the situation and added that having more children is possible and encouraged.

I was a little upset after receiving that news. They have no way of testing each pregnancy to see if there are sticky spots. We will never know if that pregnancy would be our last. If we continue with our plan of 2 years between each child and the next pregnancy ends up being my "worst case scenario"then I could be 26 and have a full on hysterectomy. The thought of going through menopause in my 20's and never being able to have another child totally freaked me out. Thank goodness for that husband of mine though. He has reassured me that if it is our last, it's ok. And if it's not our last, then we will continue having as many children as we can or want. He reminded me that this news, while somewhat scary, is not the end. Peyton will not be the youngest, just like we always planned.

Now, I am almost one month postpartum. I've been feeling pretty good during this recovery. I've had no depression which has been a major blessing. I've had only minor discomfort from my stitches but those are mostly healed up now. I'm still leaking breast milk and still can't wear my pre-pregnancy bras because of this but I'm sure in another month or so I'll be back to normal. I have lost a total of 28 pounds since having Peyton and I fit back into all of my pre-pregnancy clothes. I'm actually down 18 pounds from my starting weight and hope that I can keep it off. Now I'm just waiting for the go ahead to start working out everyday. They tested my iron levels about a week ago (because of all the blood I lost during delivery) and it was extremely low (Normal is 12, I tested at a 5). I've been having really awful headaches since the delivery and they think that is why. Other than that though, everything has been good. I'm just enjoying snuggling my sweet girls and getting into a new routine. :)