39 Weeks

I don't know why, but all the sudden I feel super nostalgic and emotional tonight. It kind of just hit me all at once that we aren't going to be a family of 3 anymore but a family of 4. Claire won't be my one and only baby anymore and for some reason that makes me incredibly sad.  For two years she's been my little buddy. We do everything together. 

Another chapter in our lives is ending and for some reason, I all the sudden don't want it to end.

But it's going to end, and soon. Don't get me wrong, I'm still super excited about this sweet little girl that should be gracing us with her presence any day now. But tonight I made sure to spend one on one time with Claire. I made sure that I hugged her extra tight, gave her extra kisses, read her extra stories at bedtime. I even rocked her to sleep and held her in my arms just like I used to when she was a baby. I can't imagine loving another baby as much as I love my Claire Bear, yet I already do love Peyton more than words can express. It's all very complicated.

37 weeks and 3 days pregnant

Tomorrow is Joe's 26th birthday. This whole pregnancy I've been keeping my fingers crossed that Peyton would arrive on that day. I thought it would be so cool if she shared a birthday with her dad (and I think it would be an awesome birthday gift for him) plus I would be 39 weeks and 1 day pregnant so it wasn't that much sooner than my actual due date. Well, at my last appointment my midwife quickly burst that bubble. I asked her to strip my membranes in order to get some labor going. And it was just my luck that baby girl was sitting way too high still so there was nothing my midwife could do. I wasn't even effaced or dilated. That's when she tells me, Sorry but I don't think you'll be going early at all, unless your water breaks, which is very unlikely. That being said, I geared myself up to get through the rest of this pregnancy and to my due date. I planned out the last two weeks of my pregnancy with things from my to-do list and made plans for the last weekend before school for Joe to help me get it done. I prepared myself to last until my due date or later. 

Now, I jump at every contraction that comes my way. I nearly went into panic mode around 8 this evening when I kept getting them every 20 minutes or so. I burst into tears and sternly told my stomach that she was NOT under any circumstances to come this weekend. I told her I need this weekend to prepare, to spend with her sister and dad, and to just get a grip on everything. 

They turned out to be nothing but I was literally gripped with the fear that I was not ready. Tonight I don't feel ready to be a mother of two. My house is still not as clean as I would like it to be (This whole nesting thing is a curse I tell you!). My hospital bag is not packed. I don't even have her coming home outfit picked out. Shoot, I just barely ordered the last of the baby things that we need today! But besides the fact that my to-do list is still a mile long, I just don't feel ready for this change. Maybe it's the fact that on Monday a new semester of school starts for Joe. Maybe it's the fact that I still worry about my mom who is recovering from her third surgery from a week and a half ago. Maybe I'm just anxious about everything. But whatever it is, I wish that it would just go away. I was actually enjoying my pregnancy. I was excited for our new arrival. I was enjoying the "getting ready for baby" part of pregnancy. I want that feeling back.